(34) What I learned about trust

I’ve been meaning to write this one for a while but every time I think about doing it, something happens and I realise my views have developed a bit further. There are, however, some elementary truths about trust that cannot be avoided:

• You will only ever trust someone completely if you are trustworthy yourself.

By this I mean that those who know they are not completely trustworthy will always assume everyone else is the same and therefore live their life with unease. Whether someone can be completely trustworthy with one person, yet not with another remains to be seen. I say not. But I know people who swear that whilst they might duck and dive a bit with others they are always 100% trustworthy to their partner, for example. Hmmm?

• Listen to your guts.

I often follow my instincts with a person, particularly when getting to know them at first. I literally feel what I think about them. But don’t be too obsessed with sussing new people out, just listen to what your intuition is telling you. And why you’re feeling the way you are. It’s often your feeling about yourself that will colour your judgement of others (see above). Or events that have happened in the past affecting how you feel (see below).

• Figure out what’s the worst thing that could happen.

If you’ve got to know someone and there comes a situation where complete trust is required then ask yourself “What if I choose to trust this person and they let me down – can I live with the consequences?”. If the answer is that yes, you will survive even if they prove untrustworthy, then you have nothing to lose by going for it. But bestow your trust fully. No half measures as the other person will know you are still being cautious.

• Re-building trust – it’s up to you.

Going on all the above, it’s up to you whether you can ever repair a broken trust with anyone who has let you down. Time and demonstrations of further trust are needed to repair such a fragile state. But the benefits of open and unquestioning trust with another person can provide stability and support in times of need and this is when your friends really do become your ‘family’.

We have many things to learn on our whirling planet but to embrace and live life fully you have to take chances. Fully trusting another person is one of those chances…

(26) What I learned about truth

In my experience there is no such thing as truth. If you ask someone to tell you the truth you will get a combination of the following: the ‘facts’, a variety of emotions and a healthy dose of what that person thinks you can bear to hear.

It’s made me develop another way of asking for the truth on anything. I call it the ‘heart truth’ – and that is what the other person truly knows and believes in their heart. Even then it is rare to actually be told a heart truth as it leaves the teller open and vulnerable. And it is truly hard indeed to tell someone the heart truth when you know it will crush them in some way.

So we continue to tell our loved ones, the ones we hold dearest, palatable versions of our true lives and feelings. We gently let down those who believe in us, we carefully extricate those who wish to be entwined further, we delicately distance ourselves from unpleasant situations. Ultimately we protect ourselves from others’ disapproval, disappointment and pain. 

But sometimes the heart truth can have dramatic positive impact. Like when someone looks deep into your eyes and says that they love you, or a friend opens up and accepts your help, or if you are party to a startling, heartfelt confession. It is then that deep bonds are formed via sincere and unbridled honesty. Potent, risky stuff. But the very stuff we crave for making meaningful relationships.

As for telling someone a truth they will not want to hear? When you give an honest appraisal to someone, direct and uncluttered by your own emotions they may not like it, but will find it hard to resent you for it. But don’t pre-guess how they’ll take it and then tie yourself up trying to soften the blow. It might not be as bigger deal as you think. Or, if it is, when the truth is out you can begin to deal with the fallout, not continue to dodge around with half truths and fudging.

In the past I have sometimes been asked to say truthfully how I feel about someone or the state of a relationship. In my head I can hear myself saying “Which truth would you like? The truth I think you want to hear, the truth I don’t want you to know I’m thinking or the truth I feel about the whole situation?” These days I try not to let it get to a stage when anyone feels they have to ask me to tell them truthfully how I feel as I try very hard to be as honest, open and transparent in all my relationships. If a truth is going to hurt someone then better they are aware of it as it emerges, rather than they continue to live in an uneasy ignorance.