(1) What I Learned About Telling Myself The Truth

And one day I just suddenly decided I needed to create art. Having been an art student I had dwelt mostly on design and had never been inspired to create anything on canvas as such. And this time was no exception. I found I didn’t want to paint or draw or print. I wanted to create collage. And it appeared I was inspired by creating art with office stationery no less! Tippex, tiny lables, ring re-inforcers etc.

And so I got down to it and worked feverishly for weeks, any spare minute I had, creating works, (did I mention in white only?) and watched as a strange series emerged. I became interested in representing the thoughts that artists have when they are creating. What do they see and remember when they gaze back upon their work? What conversations had they had, either in their heads, or with others at the time of creation? What emotions had they brought each day to their work? How many years had passed during the emergence of their artworks? As I dug deeper into this concept, I felt compelled to take a white pen and write on a white canvas. Just pour out my heart and my thoughts about topics of the moment (tedious relationships if I recall). As I wrote my stream of consciousness a phrase pushed itself forward in my head and that phrase became the title of what turned out to be my last piece of work:

“Things I don’t even want to admit to myself”.

After this piece was finished I felt the work was done and I had no more desire to create anything on canvas.

To this day I have created a few one-off pieces but never felt the feverish obsession that my ‘white series’ stirred. The resultant artworks hang on my wall and remind me daily that I can never again hide anything, from me.

The phrase “Things I don’t even want to admit to myself” cuts through a lot of the flannel I can tell myself in times of need; persuading myself to make certain decisions , procrastinating over life choices and hesitating when confronted with a choice. I can never hide any unpalatable truth from myself any longer. I just ask myself what I am trying to avoid admitting to myself.

So - what truth are you avoiding admitting to yourself . . . ?