(26) What I learned about truth

In my experience there is no such thing as truth. If you ask someone to tell you the truth you will get a combination of the following: the ‘facts’, a variety of emotions and a healthy dose of what that person thinks you can bear to hear.

It’s made me develop another way of asking for the truth on anything. I call it the ‘heart truth’ – and that is what the other person truly knows and believes in their heart. Even then it is rare to actually be told a heart truth as it leaves the teller open and vulnerable. And it is truly hard indeed to tell someone the heart truth when you know it will crush them in some way.

So we continue to tell our loved ones, the ones we hold dearest, palatable versions of our true lives and feelings. We gently let down those who believe in us, we carefully extricate those who wish to be entwined further, we delicately distance ourselves from unpleasant situations. Ultimately we protect ourselves from others’ disapproval, disappointment and pain. 

But sometimes the heart truth can have dramatic positive impact. Like when someone looks deep into your eyes and says that they love you, or a friend opens up and accepts your help, or if you are party to a startling, heartfelt confession. It is then that deep bonds are formed via sincere and unbridled honesty. Potent, risky stuff. But the very stuff we crave for making meaningful relationships.

As for telling someone a truth they will not want to hear? When you give an honest appraisal to someone, direct and uncluttered by your own emotions they may not like it, but will find it hard to resent you for it. But don’t pre-guess how they’ll take it and then tie yourself up trying to soften the blow. It might not be as bigger deal as you think. Or, if it is, when the truth is out you can begin to deal with the fallout, not continue to dodge around with half truths and fudging.

In the past I have sometimes been asked to say truthfully how I feel about someone or the state of a relationship. In my head I can hear myself saying “Which truth would you like? The truth I think you want to hear, the truth I don’t want you to know I’m thinking or the truth I feel about the whole situation?” These days I try not to let it get to a stage when anyone feels they have to ask me to tell them truthfully how I feel as I try very hard to be as honest, open and transparent in all my relationships. If a truth is going to hurt someone then better they are aware of it as it emerges, rather than they continue to live in an uneasy ignorance.

(13) What I learned about new relationships

This is another rant on one of my pet topics: letting time and perspective happen in relationships, especially early on.

This all happened recently with my friend Claire. She has started seeing a new guy and really likes him even though they’ve only met a couple of times, (this is by no means exclusive to women either, a certain male friend of mine is exceptionally good at falling for people). But Claire has no idea if the object of her affections likes her so she was wondering if she should text / e-mail him to suggest another date or something. I’m no dating expert, but I said not to get in touch straight away, give it some time and gain some perspective. Get out there, get a life and think about something else. But she resisted, saying she just wanted to know if he liked her or not. Then she could ‘relax’.

So I asked her:

Would you get in touch with him if you knew he didn’t like you? (No, of course not, she said, I wouldn’t waste my time).

Would you get in touch with him if you knew he liked you? (No, she said, I would let him do all the running.)

So, I continue, how will you know if he likes you or not if you don’t leave him to either get in touch or not? At this Claire fell silent, knowing that there is logic in my words. But she could not leave it alone. What if he was waiting for her to get in touch?

OK I said, look at it this way. If you were being pursued by someone that you’re not that bothered about but they ask you to go out places with them, you might go, just for something to do until someone more interesting turns up. If you pursue someone, that’s just what you are to them: A stopgap until someone better comes along. It’s not their fault, you’re doing it to yourself.

So, my advice to her was leave it all well alone. If he likes you, he’ll make the effort to keep in touch. If not, move right along.

These days, relationships seem to have huge expectations attached to them which don’t allow them to progress at a steady pace. This covers both genders and all age groups when expectations are heightened through peer group pressure, ticking biological clocks or celebrity / media pressure (save that rant for another day).

Yes, life is passing by. At exactly the same speed for everyone, we all get the same hours in the week. But a lot of time is wasted through wishing, fretting, hoping and dreaming. Relax. Living is a far better way to pass the time. It’s what happens when he’s still deciding whether you’re ‘the one’ or not (tee hee).

Rant over.