(43) What I learned about writing

I first started writing about my thoughts when I kept a diary at 16 years old. Then I wrote another at 17 and from then on have more or less always had some sort of notebook on the go. At the moment I must have about seven or eight notebooks with ‘live’ issues being discussed, though most of them are work / project related.

I have noticed some distinct patterns emerge over the (gulp) nearly 30 years I‘ve been writing: when times are calmer, maybe in a stable relationship or long term work, I write less. When times are challenging the writing becomes almost non-stop as I examine, evaluate and consider my thoughts and options. As you can imagine, the writing’s been on overload since I split from my husband and continue in my eclectic work patterns!

I have also begun to notice that I use writing as a kind of ‘download’ mechanism, to clear my head or to enable me to think out loud somehow. Though I will read back any work related notes I make, and I always enjoy reading my future plans scenarios, I never want to re-read any emotional or relationship related scribblings. I wonder whether they are too painful, too much in the past or too likely to be still going on in my life for me to be able to bear reading. I have notebooks and notebooks of the stuff detailing my most traumatic times and, whilst I don’t wish to read them again myself and would hate for anyone who knew me to read them, I cannot destroy them yet. Somehow they hold a vast amount of emotion and I wonder if it is that I don’t show emotions easily, but somehow need to be reminded that I actually do have them. Hmmm – get back to you on that one!

Writing this blog has been another form of writing for me: writing for an audience. And an audience that has been vocal in letting me know how I’m doing! If you remember I started to write this blog in order to collect my thoughts on a book I’d been meaning to write, but I was having difficulty pinning down my central thoughts for it. Naturally the original 43Things I wanted to tell you about have changed and new thoughts emerged as I wrote, but I am more than happy with the outcome and the experience has been a tad life-changing. My plans are now to go on and get these thoughts formed into some kind of book or art project and that will be the eventual, tangible outcome, but can I tell you that the writing itself means so much more than that.

Yes I have discovered that I have a writing ‘voice’ – sometimes I read back an entry and wonder who wrote it, it seems to come from another place, another person. Yes I can write to order: twice a week, one main essay, one minor supporting role, delivered on time come hell or high water. Yes, I can revise and edit – you have no idea how much that has come into play and how much I still have to do when I re-read it all next week.

Finally though I have learned something huge: all the things I wrote about make up who I am and detail my operational philosophy for life. And, even though times still continue to be challenging, I am fundamentally a happy and contented person. I live in the now and now usually feels good. Recently a friend suggested that I call my book ‘How to be Happy’ and I love that idea because you have been reading here all my efforts to make sense of the world and somehow stay sane.

I sincerely hope you’ve enjoyed reading this blog. I’ve had a blast writing it. See you in The 45th Year