(41) What I leaned about inner peace
March 14, 2011
The thought of me having any experience of a calm internal world would have made me snort with laughter not so long ago. I am a restless person, madly thinking or doing or experiencing and then, crash, out like a light to sleep, then ‘ping’ wide awake early the next day, straight up and off again. Amazingly though, through all the turmoil of the last five years of my life I have begun to recognise what can only be described as ‘inner peace’.
Oh but I had often wondered what it would be like to be calm and centred inside. I have seen people meditating and am actually a dab hand at it myself, being able to spend hours at a stretch in the quiet nothingness of ohm. For years I have participated in a Tai Chi type martial art, performed deliberately slowly to centre the spirit. I can chill, nap, reflect, pause, be conscious and get on with it all fine, but I’m back to crazy me afterwards.
But then something occurred to me. When I’m at my most ‘peaceful’ I’m actually not working at being calm at all. I am not causing it through my conscious action or taking any active steps to become at peace. In fact it’s usually the opposite – I find I’m at my most calm when all around is a bit falling apart and looking hopeless. Then it struck me. That is the definition of inner peace. It’s there whatever’s happening and perhaps you only notice it in extreme circumstances. And I began to wonder if the sporadic meditation or Buddhist habit of being present in the moment was paying off when in fact I noticed something else coming into play.
Was I able to be calm because I had tamed the inner turmoil? Not me; still a crazy powerhouse of chaotic ideas inside. But what had changed was the focus of my confidence. The recent stressful years had tested me to the max at times but I was still here, still alive. My capability muscles had been stretched and become stronger through use and, as a result, my self confidence had been given some tangible examples of how I can cope. So, madly enough, my sense of inner peace has come about through the very opposite: coping with extreme inner and outer turmoil. Oh this inner calm is not present 24/7 and I can still get flashes of the old self, oddly enough when times are quiet. But now this inner peace is the norm in my life and is the baseline I always expect come back to.
And, in a way, I still ‘practise’ inner peace. All through this blog I remind myself to witness my life, to actually consciously live it and connect with the people and experiences I come across. I notice when the sun is shining, when my daughter smiles, when I make a connection with someone new, when I’m absorbed in a project, when I am free to walk or drive or be wherever I want. When people are kind, when the wind is blowing so hard my recycling bins fly off down the street, when I’m with the people I love. I notice everything I enjoy, I am happy, I have inner peace.
